Thunder Butts

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I’m sure you’ve heard that Progressive Democrats like Alexandria Ocasio Cortez from New York and Ed Markey from Massachusetts have said in the Green New Deal that we need to eradicate cows from the face of the earth if mankind is to survive the next 12 years. New Jersey Senator Corey Booker said, “The devastating impact from emissions from the meat industry must end.” I find this hilarious because Booker is a vegan and it’s common knowledge that vegans eat a lot of beans and legumes. Scientists tell us that the average person has attacks of flatulence 14 times per day (really) but vegetarians and vegans, because they consume more beans and legumes, can easily double that daily production, which explains why Booker is one big gasbag.

The reason I’m not using the same word the Democrats use to describe this bovine flatulence is because my mother raised me to be a gentleman and in our house the word f**t was a four letter word and if she heard one of her kids using it we’d have our mouth washed out with soap. Yuck! The only word that comes close to replacing the word the Progressives insist on using is flatulating, which I’m quite sure my mother wouldn’t approve of either. But in finding an alternative word I found my Thesaurus doesn’t include the word f**t or f**ting. I could change the spelling and use phart or pharting but that’s just beating around the bush. So I turned to my dictionary which suggested this alternative: “Simultaneous combustion as a result of retention of excessive methane.” But it’s ridiculous to use up that many words in my allotted space so for the rest of this essay I’ll just use the first letters of all the words in that definition which turns out to be “scaaroroem”. Catchy, don’t you think?



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