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JUNK FROM FACEBOOK
I really get a kick out of Facebook. Here are some of my older posts.
I took a friend's advice and looked up my family roots. I came up with Sassafras. Now Brother, that's country right there.
I was pumpin' gas in my Jeep, when a little bitty round red car drove up to the pump behind me. When I say little bitty, I mean little bitty. It really was a cool lookin' little thing. Well, about then this wormy looking little guy climbs out and sees me starin' at his vehicle. I smiled at him and said, "Cute car."
Well, he bowed up, pursed out his lips, and started in on me.
"Cute car? Did you say cute car?" He growled. "I'll have you to know this is a blaa, blaa, blaa (I couldn't understand what he said) Smart car and it gets 40 miles to a gallon." Then he looked at my Jeep and shook his head and sighed. "I guess that's yours," he said and then chuckled.
"Yep," I said, still smilin'. "This here's ol' Dixie, my Jeep," and I patted her on the fender. "She's 25 years old and gets about 15 miles to the gallon. She looks a little rough, and to tell you the truth, she probably ain't that smart. But," I added, "There’s one thing you can say about her. At least she doesn't look like a polyp."
His eyes got really big and he stared at me. I really wasn't too worried about him. He was built about like a Q-tip. "Well!" He exclaimed, and then he climbed back into his car and putted off. He didn't even fill up with gas.
You know, you just can't be nice to some people.
Went in this mornin' for my annual checkup. After seein' the doc, I had to have the usual blood work done. I was sittin' there waitin' my turn when the lady called out a name. I saw a young lady with about a four year old little girl stand up and walk toward the lady who called out her name. She was more or less draggin' the little girl who looked scared. The lady stopped and bent down and said somethin' to the little girl and the little girl shook her head. The lady looked around and when her eyes landed on me, I smiled. She smiled back and then said somethin' to the little girl. The little girl looked at me, shook her head, and then said something to the lady and then the lady said something back to the little girl. The little girl nodded and they walked toward me.
"Excuse me," the lady said to me. "My daughter is afraid to go in there with me. Would you mind terribly if she sat with you?"
"My pleasure," I said and the little girl sat down. Her mom patted her on her leg and left.
"I'm Rusty," I said and the little girl mumbled her name.
Then she looked up at me and said, "I'm skeered of needles."
I leaned down and whispered, "I'm skeered of needles, too."
She smiled and started starin' at me. I narrowed my eyes and growled, "What chu lookin' at?"
She giggled. "Your eyes," she answered.
"My eyes?"
"Yes," she said. "I didn't want to go with Mommy in there and I was skeered to be out here by myself, so Mommy asked me if I wanted to sit with you, but I told her you were big and scary, but she said you had kind eyes and she said nobody would ever bother me if I sat with you, so I was looking at your eyes to see what kind eyes look like." Then she smiled and shook her little head and said, "I don't thinks you is scary no more."
I had to turn away for a minute. I couldn't let her see tears formin' in the big scary man's eyes.
I've been fightin' a sore throat the last few days and it's been takin' a toll on my voice. Janet was in town, so I texted her, "Voice gone."
She texted back, "Prayers answered."
Well there's something you don't see every day. I was smokin' a Punch cigar this mornin' on the deck and I noticed a squirrel had left a half eaten toad stool on the roof of my bird feeder and a couple of birds started peckin' at it. All of a sudden, one of the birds started wobblin'. About that time two more birds landed up there and they started watchin' the bird as it stumbled toward the edge of the roof of the bird feeder. Then the bird tripped and fell off. The other birds all rushed to the edge and looked down at him. Then they started laughin'. One of the birds that had arrived later lifted a wing and used it to slap the back of the other bird that had been peckin' the toad stool. He was wobblin' a little himself. Anywho, it knocked him off the feeder and onto the ground. Both grounded birds were stumblin' around and tryin' to help each other up while the birds up on the roof of the feeder were rollin' around laughin'. Boy howdy, it's like livin' in the redneck ghetto out here. I don't know what they put in these Punch cigars, but wow!
Man, I saw somethin' on Facebook today that said sniffin' somethin' would improve your memory by 75 percent. I guess I should have sniffed what it said that I was supposed to sniff, so I could remember what it said that I was supposed to sniff.
Janet and I were watchin' TV when a commercial came on. There was a lady lookin' out of her window and she looked down in the dumps. Then the narrator of the commercial asked, "Are you feeling sluggish?"
I answered out loud, "Yeah, I am."
"Do you feel out of sorts?"
Again I answered, "Yeah, I do."
"Then try our laxative," he said.
Janet spoke up. "Don't do it. You'll disappear."
Janet's my third wife. My first one died after eatin' some bad mushrooms. My second wife...well, I shot her. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
I was walkin' down the aisle in the store a little while ago and I walked past a young lady. Just as I passed her, she sneezed. I thought I'd be funny, so I turned toward her, raised my right hand, and said, "Bless you, my child."
She looked at me really serious like and grabbed my hand and bowed her head and said, "Thank you, Father," and then she made the sign of the Cross and turned and walked away.
Man, I sure hope I don't go to Hell for that.
A week ago I was sittin' on the deck in shorts, flip flops, and no shirt, puffin' on a cigar, and watchin' the moon. Now I'm sittin' on the deck in blue jeans, boots, and two shirts, puffin' on a cigar, and thinkin' I might need to put on a bra.
I was pumpin' gas in my Jeep, when a little bitty round red car drove up to the pump behind me. When I say little bitty, I mean little bitty. It really was a cool lookin' little thing. Well, about then this wormy looking little guy climbs out and sees me starin' at his vehicle. I smiled at him and said, "Cute car."
Well, he bowed up, pursed out his lips, and started in on me.
"Cute car? Did you say cute car?" He growled. "I'll have you to know this is a blaa, blaa, blaa (I couldn't understand what he said) Smart car and it gets 40 miles to a gallon." Then he looked at my Jeep and shook his head and sighed. "I guess that's yours," he said and then chuckled.
"Yep," I said, still smilin'. "This here's ol' Dixie, my Jeep," and I patted her on the fender. "She's 25 years old and gets about 15 miles to the gallon. She looks a little rough, and to tell you the truth, she probably ain't that smart. But," I added, "There’s one thing you can say about her. At least she doesn't look like a polyp."
His eyes got really big and he stared at me. I really wasn't too worried about him. He was built about like a Q-tip. "Well!" He exclaimed, and then he climbed back into his car and putted off. He didn't even fill up with gas.
You know, you just can't be nice to some people.
Went in this mornin' for my annual checkup. After seein' the doc, I had to have the usual blood work done. I was sittin' there waitin' my turn when the lady called out a name. I saw a young lady with about a four year old little girl stand up and walk toward the lady who called out her name. She was more or less draggin' the little girl who looked scared. The lady stopped and bent down and said somethin' to the little girl and the little girl shook her head. The lady looked around and when her eyes landed on me, I smiled. She smiled back and then said somethin' to the little girl. The little girl looked at me, shook her head, and then said something to the lady and then the lady said something back to the little girl. The little girl nodded and they walked toward me.
"Excuse me," the lady said to me. "My daughter is afraid to go in there with me. Would you mind terribly if she sat with you?"
"My pleasure," I said and the little girl sat down. Her mom patted her on her leg and left.
"I'm Rusty," I said and the little girl mumbled her name.
Then she looked up at me and said, "I'm skeered of needles."
I leaned down and whispered, "I'm skeered of needles, too."
She smiled and started starin' at me. I narrowed my eyes and growled, "What chu lookin' at?"
She giggled. "Your eyes," she answered.
"My eyes?"
"Yes," she said. "I didn't want to go with Mommy in there and I was skeered to be out here by myself, so Mommy asked me if I wanted to sit with you, but I told her you were big and scary, but she said you had kind eyes and she said nobody would ever bother me if I sat with you, so I was looking at your eyes to see what kind eyes look like." Then she smiled and shook her little head and said, "I don't thinks you is scary no more."
I had to turn away for a minute. I couldn't let her see tears formin' in the big scary man's eyes.
I've been fightin' a sore throat the last few days and it's been takin' a toll on my voice. Janet was in town, so I texted her, "Voice gone."
She texted back, "Prayers answered."
Well there's something you don't see every day. I was smokin' a Punch cigar this mornin' on the deck and I noticed a squirrel had left a half eaten toad stool on the roof of my bird feeder and a couple of birds started peckin' at it. All of a sudden, one of the birds started wobblin'. About that time two more birds landed up there and they started watchin' the bird as it stumbled toward the edge of the roof of the bird feeder. Then the bird tripped and fell off. The other birds all rushed to the edge and looked down at him. Then they started laughin'. One of the birds that had arrived later lifted a wing and used it to slap the back of the other bird that had been peckin' the toad stool. He was wobblin' a little himself. Anywho, it knocked him off the feeder and onto the ground. Both grounded birds were stumblin' around and tryin' to help each other up while the birds up on the roof of the feeder were rollin' around laughin'. Boy howdy, it's like livin' in the redneck ghetto out here. I don't know what they put in these Punch cigars, but wow!
Man, I saw somethin' on Facebook today that said sniffin' somethin' would improve your memory by 75 percent. I guess I should have sniffed what it said that I was supposed to sniff, so I could remember what it said that I was supposed to sniff.
Janet and I were watchin' TV when a commercial came on. There was a lady lookin' out of her window and she looked down in the dumps. Then the narrator of the commercial asked, "Are you feeling sluggish?"
I answered out loud, "Yeah, I am."
"Do you feel out of sorts?"
Again I answered, "Yeah, I do."
"Then try our laxative," he said.
Janet spoke up. "Don't do it. You'll disappear."
Janet's my third wife. My first one died after eatin' some bad mushrooms. My second wife...well, I shot her. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
I was walkin' down the aisle in the store a little while ago and I walked past a young lady. Just as I passed her, she sneezed. I thought I'd be funny, so I turned toward her, raised my right hand, and said, "Bless you, my child."
She looked at me really serious like and grabbed my hand and bowed her head and said, "Thank you, Father," and then she made the sign of the Cross and turned and walked away.
Man, I sure hope I don't go to Hell for that.
A week ago I was sittin' on the deck in shorts, flip flops, and no shirt, puffin' on a cigar, and watchin' the moon. Now I'm sittin' on the deck in blue jeans, boots, and two shirts, puffin' on a cigar, and thinkin' I might need to put on a bra.
Copyright © 2014 by Rusty W. Mitchum
All Rights reserved 10/5/14
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