SHOCK THERAPY!

by Rusty W. Mitchum

Did I ever tell you about the time I went in for physical therapy on my back? No? Here, let me tell you about it.  

Back when I was younger, I tried to lift somethin’ a little heavier than I should have and messed up my back. The X-rays showed a bulgin’ disk and physical therapy was recommended. Now, I had always heard of physical therapy, but I never knew what they did, so I went in somewhat clueless; which, accordin’ to my wife, is somethin’ I’m really good at. Actually, I thought I’d get to go in, they’d make me soak in a hot tub and give me a massage while I’d sip on some foo foo health drink.  

When I walked into the joint, all I saw was a bunch of tables, cables, and giant dodge balls. I was greeted by a long haired guy that looked like a cross between Jack LaLanne and Alice the Goon. I handed him the papers my doc had given me and he took me over and told me to lie down on a padded mat that was on the floor. Well, it took me a while to get down on the mat because I was in so much pain. Well, I don’t remember what all he did to me or had me do, but I do remember everything he had me do, hurt. Then he had me sit on one of those giant dodge balls and had me roll my back around on top of it. That wasn’t too bad. Next he had me walk on a treadmill, which wasn’t bad either.  

About that time, out walked a young lady. To say that she was pretty would be an understatement. She walked over to the treadmill and stood there for a minute, smiled and then spoke.

“Mr. Mitchum?”

“Yes Ma’am,” I answered.

“It is time for me to put you on the electrical stimulator. Will you please follow me?”

I followed her to this little room and she asked me to lie face down on a table. She then raised my shirt and placed a little sticky pad thing with a wire runnin’ out of it on my lower back. Then she pulled down the side of my sweatpants and placed another one on my right butt cheek. She explained that she was going to turn on the machine and there would be a small electrical current running between the two pads. She said she would start out with a low current and would then start turnin’ it up. She asked me to tell her when it became uncomfortable.  

Well, her bein’ a pretty little thing and me bein’ a big ol’ man, I didn’t want her to think I was a wimp, so I decided I was gonna take whatever it was she was gonna dish out.

She turned the machine on and slowly started turnin’ a dial. Almost immediately I could feel the current, but I was gonna hold out. The more she turned, the stronger the current got.

“Are you feeling that?” she asked.

“Yes Ma’am,” I said.  

“Is it uncomfortable?”

“Oh no. I can barely feel it.”

“Really,” she said. “That’s amazing. I’m going to run it up a little more,” and she did. “Well,” she said, “I’ll be back in about 20 minutes,” and out the door she went.  

Twenty minutes?!!! I thought she was just gonna see how much I could take and then turn the blasted thing off. All of a sudden my right butt cheek started waddin’ up like a clenched fist and my right leg started jumpin’. The next thing I knew that flew up off of the table and my foot started slappin’ me in the back of the head. “I hollered, “Hey l-l-l-l-lady! I think this t-t-t-t-thang’s got a s-s-s-s-short in it or s-s-s-s-something!” The next thing I knew the door flew open and when she walked in and saw me, her mouth opened and she just stood there starin’. I was floppin’ around on that table like a gopher on a hot plate. “Y-y-y-y-you gonna turn this t-t-t-t-thang off?!!!” I hollered.  

Finally, she snapped out of it and turned the knob back down. I just laid there. There was snot comin’ out of every orifice of my head, includin’ my eyeball sockets. Although there was no smoke in the air, I could swear I was smellin’ burnt hair. Turned out I was smellin’ my singed nostril hairs. 

“I am so sorry,” she said. “I was wondering why you could take it that high.”

I tried to answer her, but although my mouth was movin’, no sound was comin’ out.  

She sat with me until I finally returned to normal. Well, almost normal, but I lived and eventually my back healed.  

But you know to this very day, if I pass a wall socket, my right butt cheek clenches up, I get a runny nose, and I start stutterin’. Go figure.  

 

Copyright © 2020 by Rusty W. Mitchum

All Rights reserved 10/4/20 

 





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