By Melissa Perner
A little New Year's humor
We all make New Year's resolutions.
In the United States, popular goals include: lose weight, get out of debt, become more organized, maintain a diary, save money, improve grades, get a better job, get fit, eat right, get a better education, drink less alcohol, quit smoking, reduce stress, take a trip, volunteer to help others, be less grumpy, be more independent and learn something new (such as a foreign language or music)
However, how many of us really keep these promises? By mid-January are we not back into those old habits or at least thinking about them.
Recent research shows that while 52 percent of participants in a resolution study were confident of success with their goals, only 12 percent actually achieved their goals.
Men achieved their goal 22 percent more often when they engaged in goal setting, a system where small measurable goals are used (lose a pound a week, instead of saying "lose weight"), while women succeeded 10 percent more when they made their goals public and got support from their friends.
As Mark Twain said "New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions."
For this year, here are some resolutions that can give us all a good laugh.
• Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
•I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
• I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.
•I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
•I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
•Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
•I will give up chocolates totally. 100 percent. Completely. Honestly....
•I will try to figure out why I "really" need nine e-mail addresses.
•I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).
•I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
•I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
• I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
•I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
•I will think of a password other than "password."
•I will not tell the same story at every get together.
•I won't worry so much.
•I will cut my hair.
•I will grow my hair.
•I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine - if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I'll tell him he stinks!
•I will be more imaginative.
•I will not hang around girls - they think you love them and that sucks.
•I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
MELISSA PERNER is the editor and publisher of The Ozona Stockman.
Her resolution is to do nothing on Jan. 1.